Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Grief

Grief is really an odd thing, because just when you think you´re past it, it comes back to haunt you. I´ve been rocking along so well since we got the dog. I have not felt the need to cry for weeks now, but today is different. Today the tears just keep coming and coming and coming. A year ago today I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified, excited, nervous and everything else when I saw the faint, faint pink line show up on my el cheapo test. I peed on two more el cheapo tests before running to the drugstore to pick up "a good one" and try it out. They all came back positive. I plotted how to tell my DH who was out of town. I went to the bookstore and found a pregnancy book especially for daddys and got it for him. When he came home on the sixth of December I put it in his shoe for Nikolaus. We hugged and cried, hoping and praying that this would be our sticky baby. Alas, this was not to be.

And so here I sit a whole year later. No new pregnancy, no new baby to hold, but a heart suddenly heavy again with grief. Mourning what could have been. I was sure our baby would be a girl. "Her" due date was August 15th. I planned and plotted in my head that maybe she would come early and be born on my birthday, or maybe a bit later and be born on Mr. Lillysaur´s birthday. I prayed that she would not be born on my mother-in-law´s birthday.....Our joy was short-lived. A week before Christmas I started to bleed. The doctor gave me progesterone to try and help it, if possible. But Christmas Eve the inevitable happened and we lost our baby.

This Christmas season is full of those memories and of our empty nest. I know Ralphie would love to have a little Lillysaur to herd and watch out for, but for now he will have to put up with just me.

4 comments:

  1. So sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you. I can relate in a sense since we are also trying to get pregnant for two years now but it is not happening. ((hugs))

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  2. Those of us who never felt this pain just don't know what it's like.

    I was lucky to have my son but strangely never got pregnant again and never sought why or how.

    Blessings on you this Xmas. Keep on keeping on.

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  3. Hi there, I'm stopping by from SITS. I just wanted to share a bit of comment love.♥

    I'm SO very sorry you have had to go through this and that you continue to suffer such pain. I won't pretend that I know what you are experiencing because I don't. However, I do have a special place in my heart for women who are hurting.

    I will pray for you and your husband. I will pray that God will fill your arms with your heart's desire very, very soon. In the meantime, I will ask Him to soothe your aching heart and help you to have the strength to make it through each new day.

    Blessings,

    Teresa <><

    http://toomanyheartbeats.blogspot.com

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  4. Hugs for you. Miscarriage is so devastating. My thoughts and prayers are with you this Christmas.

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