Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Spoke too soon......

Cramping, back pain, passing clots, oh my!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

My period started today!

The only reason why I'm cheering instead of falling into a funk over this news is because its the 1st one since my D&C. Normally the first sight of blood brings on despair & frustration. Today its the sign of a new beginning!

Normally when I'm about to start my period there's cramping, back pain, sore ta-tas to warn me its coming. I had no normal PMS symptoms this time around. Weird. Maybe this will mean I'll have nice & easy cycle. I'm not holding my breath. My periods are usually heavy, crampy & clotty. The 1st period after both spontaneous miscarriages were brutal for me so maybe the D&C will make a difference in how this one will be.

I'm still waiting for the results of the thyroid testing I did last week. I also need to call the Endocrinologist to set up my HSG testing.

Workout wise I'm sticking to it and feeling great!!! I'm in the lead right now in our biggest loser contest at work so that is a powerful motivator right now.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Still here with nothing to show for it!

Huge apologies for the delay in posting. I just kept putting it off, waiting for something great to report, but I can't put it off any longer. Since I posted in January, DH had a semen analysis. Unfortunately, my GP (who gave us the results) isn't totally proficient in reading these results. Her interpretation of them though was that there was nothing glaringly wrong and she felt quite positive about them. She asked if we wanted to be referred to the infertility clinic since it had been 10 months (and I'm now 36) and we said yes. We opted to go private and she said we'd have an appointment within the next 6 months, but probably earlier. Well, we received the appointment letter and it's for August. The bad news is that we're emigrating in June. You could check a box stating that you'd be available for a short notice appointment, which we are, but we haven't had any word about that. This was at the end of February.

Since we are emigrating I haven't been too pushy in getting an appointment. If they call we'll go, but I'm not going to call them to see if there is anything coming up. There are other clinics in town that we could go through, but I think at this point we're going to wait until we're set up in our new town. Moving and finding jobs is all pretty stressful which certainly doesn't help the situation!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Getting active while waiting......

No news from the doctor. So no news is good news? In a day or two I'll give them a call to see what's what. I'm on week two of being on the pill. When my period starts (CD1) I'm supposed to call the fertility specialist to schedule my HSG testing. It's day 29 since my D&C, I've been crampy the last couple of days but that could be from the birth control.

Yesterday I entered my work's 5-week Biggest Loser contest. I'm starting out at 168lbs. Oy! That's the heaviest I've EVER been. Since I'm doing tests, & not supposed to get preggers the next 2 cycles or so I've decided its "Let's get healthy time!" Plus its starting to get hot in Texas & sweat marks in the chub rolls just isn't cute! I'm a sweater. Not the wool, cashmere, pullover, cardigans type! I'm the drip, drip, sweat rolling down my back, totally icky sweaty ew ew type! I could be painting my nails & sweat is glistening on my brow. Hot & humid weather is not attractive on me. My goal is to lose 10lbs in the next 5-weeks and hope this will also help in my miscarriage issues. I also hope to make my workouts & healthier eating habits a lifestyle change.

One last thing......just counting myself once, even though I've been pregnant 3 times this school year, there have been 10 pregnant ladies at my work. Everyday I see new baby pics, pregnant stories, pregnant co-workers, baby room plans......its hard...it hard everyday to see how happy (or miserable) they are. I WANT WHAT THEY HAVE! I WANT ANOTHER BABY! Then I remember & feel bad that I feel this way. I have a son! A really great and amazing son! Why can't I just be satisfied with the gift I've already been given?

Another one bites the dust...

which means we are starting a new cycle. Ho hum.

I mean, what can you do about it? Mope for a day? Kick dirt? Curse at your body? Sure. Why not? Go for it. That doesn't get you anywhere though. My rule is that I can mope for the first day of my cycle but then I have to get over and it move on.

I need to be positive. I just have to be. It has been a long journey and there have been many negative moments, thoughts, and feelings surrounding this whole process. I honestly can't believe it's been a year since we started talking about trying-and then actually doing it. It's surreal. However, I feel stronger today because of it all. I don't know why we are going through what we are going through but I feel that there is a reason for it. I don't know what that reason might be, or when we'll know what it is, but there has to be some reason why it isn't working for us. Maybe we are meant to do something big before we can have kids of our own.

There are some wonderfully supportive blogs out there. Women who tell their story and share the journey they are on. It is quite sad, but at the same time, it is comforting to know that you are not the only one going through this. Unfortunately, not being able to get pregnant or infertility, is not a widely had conversation. I wish more women would speak up and share their stories because we take comfort in knowing we aren't alone and we seek connections for extra comfort. Having a support system is so important. You have to find yours.

I long for the day when I can pee on a stick and a second line shows up. I long for the moment I can hear a heartbeat and see a little flicker on the monitor. I want to feel that first movement. I want to have to pee all the time. I want to get a round belly and enjoy all that comes with growing a little life inside my body. I want it all and I will get it. Only time will tell.

Until then, the only thing my husband and I have are each other, love and hope.