Thursday, May 27, 2010

Belly Shots

Something I didn't do while pregnant w/ this little blue-eyed baby was "belly shots"! I took a few about a week before he was born but I sort of regret that I didn't take more. I've never been too fond of looking at my stomach so why would I want to photograph it?! I am really going to try harder this time and thought this was a good start!
I am currently 18 weeks today and am already feeling the heat of what is starting out to be a very HOT summer! Although I was pregnant at the very same time when I was expecting DS, I never bought a pair of shorts... guess I didn't spend much time outside! I have resorted to wearing DH's boxer shorts most days but don't feel real comfortable wearing them places like the grocery store or the bank. We are leaving for vacation next week and have decided that I am going to have to bite the bullet and buy some shorts. I don't think I can stand a whole week in Texas w/out them!
I saw my Dr. earlier this week and Baby seems to be doing really well. He/she kicked the instant the Doppler was placed on my stomach, DS got a real "kick" out of that! He is still convinced that Baby is a boy, I guess we will find out on the 23rd of June. I wish we could have set up an earlier time to find out but we will just wait and see!
After much consideration I decided to go ahead with the blood work that tests to see if there are any birth defects. I am currently reading a book about a family who has a child w/ OI (osteogenesis imperfecta), I guess it's making me a little paranoid! Anyway, my blood work should be back sometime today or tomorrow and while I am sure there won't be a problem, I guess I just wanted to know this time. I will keep everyone posted w/ my results!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut

I apologize! Once again it has been awhile since my last post. As of today I am 17 weeks along and still feeling overly tired. I had hit a spot there a few weeks back when I thought to myself, "Hey, I finally feel good again!??!??" That time is in the past! It doesn't help that we have had an overly rainy month and I am in a funk being stuck inside most days.

I have had some serious cravings this month! I recently read that I shouldn't be eating many nuts... OOPS! Hopefully this baby doesn't receive a nice, fat peanut allergy thanks to Mommy! That craving has subsided and now we are on to a different kind of nut, the kind that really isn't a nut at all... doughnuts. DH took me to a local bakery over the weekend because I couldn't stop obsessing over how badly I needed a doughnut. We bought a dozen rolls and by Sunday afternoon the rolls were gone! I have an appointment to see my Dr. on Monday the 24th and honestly, I am more excited about the chance to once again visit the bakery then to hear my unborn child's beating heart!

I am starting to show a bit now... I think?! (Maybe it's the 5 pounds that I have gained that are starting to show!) Anyway, I have dug out all the maternity clothes from my past pregnancy and have begun wearing them here and there. I love maternity clothes and wish I could always wear them! I feel so comfortable not trying to hide the bulging belly from anyone.

On Mother's Day my DH, DS and I took a trip to visit my grandma who is very sick. As I was getting ready to go, my DS said to me, "Mommy, I not like that blue shirt!" The truth is, I wasn't wearing a shirt! He was telling me that he didn't like the "belly band" attached to my jeans. I reassured him that I'd be wearing a shirt over the "blue shirt" and w/ that he was relieved!

I am continuing to take it easy. I did mow the other day for the first time in a while again but felt good afterwards. I have been experiencing some quickening and my husband has felt the baby move. I am starting to have trouble sleeping at night, I had the same problem when I was pregnant w/ DS. It's hard to get comfortable and between trips to the bathroom I struggle w/ trying to go back to sleep.

We look forward to finding out the sex in a few weeks. I continue to wish for a girl but would be very happy w/ another boy. DS is 100% sure he is going to have a baby brother. And DH really hopes for a daddy's girl too but like myself would be completely happy w/ another son. All in all I think like anyone else, we are hoping for a healthy baby! And w/ that said, I am off to hunt down the closest thing in my pantry to a doughnut!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

My twins have arrived!

I'm SO sorry it's taken me so long to post this! The twins are now exactly four weeks old, and it's been a crazy time - things are only now settling down enough for me to take the time to write their birth story.

At 2pm on April 20, I turned up at the hospital for my induction - by 4pm I had an internal exam confirming I wasn't dilated or effaced at all, and given my first Cervidil treatment. I was startled at how quickly it took effect; I was having contractions within 10 minutes, and after half an hour, they were only 2 minutes apart. The next 6 hours passed in a blur of pain - the only relief I found was in standing or sitting in a warm shower...I spent HOURS in that water!

By 10pm the contractions were strong enough and close enough together that the nurse and I were hopeful that I wouldn't need a second dose of Cervidil, but no such luck - another internal exam showed I was only barely dilated (possibly around 1cm) and still not at all effaced. I nearly started crying - the last 6 hours had been so painful that the idea of dealing with those contractions for another 6 hours was agonizing.

I was given the second dose of Cervidil and also offered a pethidine injection, which I gratefully accepted; I was exhausted from the rapid contractions and worried that when the time came for me to actually push I'd be too tired - the injection allowed me to relax and catnap for a little while. After half an hour or so, I got up for yet another shower, and when I stepped inside I felt warm fluid gushing down my leg - my water had broken. I nearly cried with relief, thankful for the confirmation that labor was progressing.

Five hours of painful contractions later, I was exhausted and begging for more pain relief, and another internal exam showed that I was finally 5cm dilated and ready to move to the delivery room! At that point, I'd been having agonizing contractions that were only 1-2 minutes apart for 11 hours and I was exhausted, so when I was offered an epidural, I didn't hesitate to say yes. The actual process of getting the epidural was a bit difficult - the anesthesiologist didn't get the placement correct the first time and had to re-do it - meanwhile, I was in severe pain and trying desperately to keep still during the contractions. The end result though? BLISS. I wasn't numb from the waist down like I expected - in fact, I could still feel everything and even move on my own - but it took the pain away and let me rest for a while.

(Side story: when you get an epidural, you're warned of the possible - though fairly unlikely - side effect of an epidural headache. Pay attention to this! That first failed epidural ended up giving me one, and it was one of the most stunningly painful experiences of my life. I honestly can’t describe just how bad it is…it’s like a incredibly severe migraine, but in addition to photosensitivity, etc., there's positional sensitivity as well – I could just barely tolerate life if I stayed flat on the bed, but the instant I tried to tilt my head upwards it was like getting smacked in the brain with an axe. I was completely incapacitated for two days before the problem was fixed with an epidural blood patch, and ended up being in the hospital for a total of seven days from the start of my induction to my final discharge.)

Eight long hours and several internal exams later, I started feeling tremendous pressure in addition to the pain from the contractions (the epidural was more or less completely worn off by this point). My doctor had told me to let her know if I experienced a pressure that felt like I needed to poop, but this was different - it felt like I needed to pee. I told the nurse and she asked if I felt a need to push. "Not really," I replied, "Just like I really, REALLY have to pee." When the pressure didn't let up over the course of another 15 minutes or so, I finally asked them to do another internal exam. I was convinced the pressure meant things had progressed, even if it was in the "wrong" place - and sure enough, I was 10cm dilated, fully effaced, the first twin was making his way down the birth canal, and it was time to push!

And push I did, for an hour and a half. And nothing. Nada. The baby wasn't moving at all. At one stage I had two doctors and three nurses staring at my nether regions to make sure I was pushing efficiently and effectively, and I was - but that little boy was stubbornly refusing to negotiate the final curve of the birth canal. By this stage I was incredibly exhausted and in an immense amount of pain but since the twins were still doing fine, my doctors offered to give me another small dose of the epidural to give me a chance to rest and regroup for another try. 45 minutes later, the dose was starting to wear off, and we were ready for round two.

For the better part of an hour, I gave it my all. I'd been put on a Pitocin drip to try to help increase the strength of my contractions and push the babies out, but by the end of round two even that was failing - my body was so exhausted from 19 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing that my contractions were starting to slow and weaken, even with the drugs pushing them along. Clearly, something had to give.

My lead doctor came and stood by my head. "We can keep going if you want," she said. "Your babies are still doing OK - their heartbeats are fine and neither are in distress. However, you're pretty exhausted and I honestly don't think you will be able to push these babies out. If you want, we can try to help with vacuum extraction, but I don't think it will be very effective and it may cause them to go into distress. You've given this a very good try, but at this point I'd like to recommend a c-section."

I stared at her through a fog of pain and exhaustion. A c-section? I'd known from the beginning that there was a good chance I'd need one with twins, but I'd been so hopeful that I'd be able to have a vaginal birth. I turned and looked at Mr Bibliosaur. We didn't really need to discuss it - we'd already talked about this in the weeks leading up to this moment and agreed that we would do whatever was necessary to have a good outcome with two healthy if that was a c-section, then so be it. We looked at each other for a moment before I quietly nodded and he nodded back at me. I turned back to my doctor - "OK. We'll do the c-section."

Things were a hectic blur from that point. The doctor left immediately to make sure an operating room was ready, and the nurses rushed to get me prepared. A short time later, I was lying on an operating table getting a massive epidural dose and Mr Bibliosaur had been taken away to scrub up - I was nearly frantic with nerves by the time he returned. The actual surgery was faster than I imagined - it seemed like only a minute or two before my doctor was holding up the first crying twin and asking Mr Bibliosaur if we had a name picked out. "William," my husband beamed, "His name is William." "And this one?" the doctor asked, pulling out the second boy. "Dash. That's Dashiell."

I started crying with happiness when the nurses brought them over so I could see them. I could barely believe it - Will and Dash were finally here!

The stats:
William John
6lbs, 12oz
20 inches
Born April 21, 2010 at 3.40pm

Dashiell Thomas
6lbs, 8oz
19.5 inches
Born April 21, 2010 at 3.42pm

The boys on their birthday:

Will is on the left, Dash is on the right.

13 days old:
Dash is on the left, Will is on the right.

17 days old:
Dash is on the left, Will is on the right.

24 days old:
Yours truly and my boys: Will is on the left, Dash is on the right.

My journey through trying to conceive and pregnancy has been an amazing experience, and I've been honored and privileged to share it with you all. I can't thank you enough for your support, encouragement and advice - I don't know what I'd have done without this blog as a place to vent my worries and celebrate my good news. Mr Bibliosaur and I have had our share of ups and downs over the last month as we grow accustomed to our new role as parents, but I'm humbled and amazed that I am the mother of these two gorgeous and perfect little boys.

I'm intending to keep blogging over at Littlesaur, and I hope you'll follow me there - raising twin boys is going to be one hell of a ride!

The good, the bad, and the gross

It´s been quite a while since I´ve posted. Truth be told, I´ve been too exhausted to do much of anything, let alone write a coherent post. I hope you´ll forgive me.

The good: Baby has looked good on both scans I´ve had since last posting. I even got an extra scan in last week after someone rear-ended me...the rear-ending part not so fun, but getting to see the baby at 12w on the nose was great, and he or she even seemed to be sucking a thumb when I first saw them. The hb was where it should be, the baby measured six centimeters, and I could even see where the eyes and nose and mouth were! It made this pregnancy seem a bit more real to me. I´ll have the NT scan on Thursday. I´m hoping the bean is still looking good.

The bad: Well m/s is not all that fun, and actually I would call it more evening sickness because that´s when I feel the worst. I don´t have much of an appetite right now, though my ob/gyn assures me that this too will pass and I will start gaining weight like a far I´ve only gained 300 grams. I woke-up yesterday morning with a back-ache that hasn´t really gone away, and I´ve had some RLP (round ligament pain), at least I think that´s what it is, but it freaks me out a bit as I´ve read that those symptoms can be related to miscarriage....not a nice feeling. But I´ve told myself no more Dr. Google. I will wait until Thursday and ask the Peri about it. Hurry up Thursday and get here! I haven´t had any spotting which is a good thing. I´m hoping it´s all normal and that this is a sign to stay away from the internet for pregnancy info.

The gross: chew everything you eat very, very well.

Monday, May 17, 2010

One Year

May 17, 2009, one year ago today, Mr. Pharmasaur and I decided to try to have a baby. I remember how excited we were while we were on our walk to the drugstore to pick up prenatal vitamins. Of course, we had no idea how our TTC journey would unfold.

We actually started to try on May 22nd, as AF was visiting when we made our decision. I wish I could go back to those first few weeks - the hope, anticipation and excitement we felt was wonderful.

We were also cautious however. We were both 39 years old then and we knew that it could take a long time to conceive, if we could conceive at all.

Mr. Pharmasaur and I were very shocked and excited to get a BFP on June 15, 2009. We felt truly blessed. Sadly, the miscarriage on July 24, 2009 ended our hopes and dreams for that pregnancy.

Originally, Mr. Pharmasaur and I had agreed to TTC for one year. After that time, we agreed that we would let go of our TTC efforts and accept our child-free family as it is. However, the pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage changed these plans. We were not able to actively start TTC again until near the end of September when AF finally returned.

Since we did achieve one pregnancy, we were hopeful that this might happen again. So we tried on our own for several months. Then I started to use digital and then Internet strip OPKs. Then I started to chart my BBT and use Fertility Friend. After that, I got a ClearBlue Easy Fertility monitor. Unfortunately, TTC was not turning out to be easy for us this time.

Then in March 2010, we went to a fertility clinic and a naturopath. I have had problems with my FSH being too high and my thyroid hormones being out of balance. I am now on thyroid medication and have just finished my first Clomid cycle. This is cycle number 9 of TTC since our miscarriage.

Mr. Pharmasaur and I are going to see the fertility specialist today. We will see what she suggests as our next option. Perhaps another cycle or two of Clomid? I am concerned that it is thinning out my endometrial lining which will not bode well for the chances of a pregnancy. I am also going to ask about taking progesterone as both I and my naturopath suspect I may have a deficiency of this hormone. Mr. Pharmasaur and I have agreed we are willing to continue for 2 more cycles of Clomid. We don't really feel comfortable using Femara but we are willing to ask the doctor for her opinion on it's use in fertility medicine. We do not want to go through IVF . We are considering IUI as one of our options.

It looks like, however, that our time of TTC may be coming to a close. We are both 40 now and as time goes on, the likely hood of our conceiving a child keeps plummeting. I think that a lot depends on our fertility doctor appointment today. I am also well aware of the fact that at my age, my chances of a miscarriage are higher than for a live birth.

This week is of great significance in my TTC journey and it is also the 4th Annual Canadian Infertility Awareness Week.

It feels like we may be getting close to letting go of our dream of having our own child.

Friday, May 14, 2010


I am scared to hope for a BFP. I'm afraid to jinx it. It is like if I really believe I could be pregnant, then I won't be. How superstitious is that?

I'm 11 DPO today and I just did an HPT. It was BFN. It could be too early still. I think I will try again on Sunday with FMU.

I go to the fertility specialist again on Monday morning. I will get my blood beta-HCG test done on Monday or Tuesday. I will know for sure then.

It was only our first cycle on Clomid. I didn't really feel much of a difference while I was taking the drug. Lately, I have had some twinges in my abdomen and sore nipples. I have noticed an odd metallic taste in my mouth for the last few days. These could be PMS, drug effects or pregnancy symptoms. Sigh, I will just have to wait to find out for sure.

No sign of AF yet which is good news.

I know that the chances are greater that I'm not pregnant.

But a part of me is still not ready to give up hope.

Hope is the thing with feathers,
that perches in the soul,
and sings the tune without the words,
and never stops at all.

- Emily Dickinson

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Waiting Game

Where did the month go!??!

AF did show up just a couple of days after I last posted, putting my cycles about 30 days long....if I stay 'regular' this month.

So where does that leave us??

Smack dab in the middle of the TWW.

And thankfully, I've been able to stay busy most of the last two weeks, so it hasn't been on my mind much.

Until yesterday...It's constantly on my mind.

Did we BD enough? Did I get my fertile days right? Was there anything else I could do?

Makes me want to scream!! :0)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

More surprises....

Last time I posted, I was waiting for the results of my thyroid tests. I was also going in for a sonohysterogram ultrasound the next day. My own fertility doctor performed the ultrasound so I was able to ask about my thyroid tests while I was there. She said my TSH was around 3 and that she was not concerned about it. She was more concerned about my FSH level being 36- she told me that they like to see it below 10 on CD3.

The sonohysterogram was uncomfortable but when it started getting painful, I told my doctor and she stopped. She said that she had enough information and didn't need to continue any further. My uterus and tubes looked fine on the test - good news!

So my next step was to wait for AF to show up again so I could go back for CD3 blood work and ultrasound. I didn't need to wait very long - that cycle was only 20 days long. CD1 was on April 25th. On CD3, I went back into the clinic for my tests. The nurse said I could start Clomid if my FSH levels were below 14. I had my fingers crossed all day! I got another surprise with the results the nurse phoned in to me later that day. My FSH was 14 so I could start the Clomid. Good news! Now, I finally felt like we were doing something.

There was also some bad news - one of my thyroid hormones was a bit low and the doctor was calling in a prescription for levothyroxine for me to start right away. I was disappointed with this. I know it means more blood tests and possibly several dosage adjustments to get my hormone levels balanced. Hypothyroidism can cause infertility and hypothyroidism in pregnancy can cause some serious problems. On the other hand, I am glad I am starting the medication now with the hope that the hypothyroidism will be under control soon. I've been on the medication for a week now and I will need to go back in 4 to 6 weeks for another blood test to check the thyroid hormones.

I took my Clomid this cycle from CD3 to CD7. I didn't really feel any different. I wasn't even sure the Clomid was doing anything. On CD 8, at 8:15 on a Sunday morning, I was back at the clinic for more blood tests and an ultrasound. The clinic was really busy and I was surprised. But in the fertility world, timing is everything!

The blood technicians have been having a hard time getting my blood. A few times they have taken it from the back of my hand which can be quite painful. A friend of ours, who is a fertility clinic veteran with twins, gave us a suggestion. So, this time, I brought my new best friend with me to the clinic:

image source

Yes, it is a reusable heat pack. I had it on my arm all the while Mr. Pharmasaur was driving us to the clinic. And the tech was able to get my blood without a problem! I was so relieved!

During the ultrasound, the doctor observed one follicle on my left ovary and that my endometrial lining was thin. That wasn't a concern as it was still early in my cycle.

Later on CD8, the nurse from the clinic called me back. This was another surprise. The original plan was for me to do a LH test on Monday morning at home to rule out an early surge, and then go back to the clinic for blood work and ultrasound on Tuesday morning. I was having my LH surge already on CD8 which means that ovulation would most likely follow in 24-36 hours. They told me we should have sex on Sunday and Monday. Then, in two weeks, I should get a blood pregnancy test done. I am now concerned about my thin endometrial lining but I am hoping it will thicken up as my cycle continues. The clinic did not seem to be optimistic about my chances of conception for this cycle. The nurse has given my chart to the fertility doctor for review and to make a plan for next cycle.

I have an appointment to see the fertility doctor on May 17th with Mr. Pharmasaur. I am hoping the results of his sperm analysis will be back by then too. At least we will have more information. I will also get my blood pregnancy test done then. So, I am officially in the 2 week wait now.

image source

Actually, no, I don't have any patience. I really wish I did though! It would sure come in handy for these next 2 weeks. One of the biggest things I have learned throughout my TTC process is how impatient I am. If anyone has any tips on developing patience, I'm all ears!

Note to Self: Expect the Unexpected

Welcome to the world Baby Gavin!

Sorry this is so late, but the recovery from the little man's birth was a little more than I anticipated. Actually, more specifically breastfeeding was WAY more than I expected.

Gavin was born on April 24 at 9:53pm weighing in at a whopping 9lbs 14 ounces. How he made it here is the long part of the story.

My water broke at about 3am on the morning of the 22, and I freaked out told my husband, called my midwife, and proceeded to wait. I cleaned the house and when there was nothing happening at the end of that I went to bed. The next morning there was still no action so I went to an appointment with my midwife to check my progress at 1pm that day. I was about 2cm dilated and soft, but nothing really going on. Here I thought I might be one of those people who could dilate without really feeling much! My water had broken, and no one really tells you that you keep making amniotic fluid so you have to wear a pad and change it constantly to stay dry and comfortable.... weird.

At the advice of my midwife we bought some tinctures called blue and black cohosh to kickstart my contractions. Definitely some of the grossest tasting stuff I have ever tasted. Every fifteen minutes for three hours, but as nasty as it was I guess it worked because by 1am I was having contractions about every 8min and by 3am about every 5 or 6 minutes. I watched tv, showered, bathed, and tried to just relax as much as possible until they got really hard and closer together around 8am. My midwife came to the house around 10 and unfortunately there still really wasn't alot of progress... that was when I started to have nagging thoughts that maybe I really wasn't strong enough to do this. She suggested walking, stretching my legs and pelvis, and by then I was in so much pain I could hard ungrit my teeth let alone start exercising!

I did the best I could and like everyone always says it's almost impossible to describe the contractions. To me it felt like waves of pain that build to a peak and then slowly subside. It was hard for me to breathe and my husband did an amazing job of making sure I drank water and breathed through as much as I could. Now this is the part where I don't want to make this sound like a negative experience to anyone who hasn't done it, so I will make sure I mention what my midwife told me. My labour was "unproductive" labour and that has a very different feeling from productive labour, so please take what I describe with a grain of salt. The baby's position was posterior and wouldn't turn so his head was essentially butting into my cervix at exactly the wrong position.

At around 2:30pm I was done. I couldn't breathe anymore and I could barely think I was in so much pain. I felt like I had to "do" something to regain control. I told my husband we have to go to the hospital. I wasn't even sure that I wanted pain relief I just wanted to change my environment so that I feel like there was some progress. When we got to the hospital, I was quite the sight, I had tried to put makeup on at some point, but naturally it had worn off, and I was wearing my Lulu's, my husband's Led Zeppelin t shirt, and a big red fleece blanket over my shoulders. HOT.

At the hospital my second mom was working which was amazing. If she hadn't been there already I would have called her to come in. She was one of my biggest supports. She took one look at me and said, "come with me honey, I 'll fix you right up." She gave me a shot of Fentanyl to take the edge off and it was just enough to start thinking clearly again. My midwife checked me and I remember saying, I can keep going indefinitely if I am at least 5 and a half cm. I was 4-5, 'nough said.

They hooked me up to monitors and the baby's heartrate was insanely high in the 180's which meant that both the baby and I had gotten an infection from my water being broken for about 36 hours at the time. There was also a lack of variability.

My contractions weren't regular either, and as soon as they said it I knew exactly what was next. The first of many interventions... just what I wanted to avoid.

Oxytocin was hooked up, and the epidural was next. I knew that if I had to get oxytocin the contractions that were already unbearable would become even more so and closer together. Great., Another intervention.

I was much happier after that but I couldn't help thinking how much I had failed myself already. I truly thought I would be tough, tougher than that anyway.

At my next internal I still had made zero progress even after the oxytocin had been kicked into high gear. It was extremely disappointing. My epidural started to wear off and I could feel almost constant pain in my lower left abdomen. I was beginning to worry.

Then around 8pm at another check it happened. Meconium. The last straw. I knew what that meant. My favorite nurse and second mom just left the room without saying anything, and my midwife just told me and simply said, "I'm so sorry." I knew it meant c- section. The ob arrived to check me yet again and confirmed it. The baby and I both had an infection, the baby's position was posterior, the oxytocin wasn't working, my cervix was stuck at 5cm and swollen already, the epidural had stopped working, and now meconium. The doctor said that the baby was stressed but not IN distress, YET. So i had a decision to make did I want to continue until the baby was in distress or I delivered naturally... or a c section. I thought about it for as long as I had time and asked a million questions, and he was amazing. Finally, I asked for his personal opinion and he said he couldn't do that, but my midwife told me after he left that if it were her she would. She said she felt that the baby was more stressed than he did and that I had already labored for 12 hours with very little progress. She said that it would be hard to keep going and then push without risking the health of the baby. So I cried. I talked to my husband and we decided that it was necessary to go the route of the c section to avoid any further complications.

I was prepped and at just before ten they told my husband that he could look at the baby's head if he wanted. I was having alot of trouble during the operation. The spinal worked in the same way the epidural had so I kept trying to tell them that I could feel what they were doing. I felt like I was going to throw up any second and my nose plugged up. I had such a dry mouth that it was hard to breathe and I remember just begging them for some water or ice or anything. When the baby came out I did get tears in my eyes, but almost immediately I just felt so sick that I couldn't even focus my eyes. They tried to give me the baby but my arms and fingers were numb and I felt like I was going to drop him. They took him away to weigh him and my husband went with the baby. I didn't even care what was going on around me at that point I just wanted the sickness and pain to stop.

I had a huge coughing fit and needed to be sedated in order for them to finish closing me up especially because I was able to feel.

After they told me that even the c section hadn't gone smoothly because the baby had shoulder distocia, and was very difficult to get out of my tummy. Not to mention how BIG he was!

I am only writing what really happened here because I have so many mixed up feelings about it all. I really thought my baby's birth was going to be different. I really thought it was going to be beautiful, and I did everything I possibly could to avoid what ended up happening anyway. So forgive me, but it feels like I'm healing some of it by writing it all down. My midwife put it into perspective by saying, "if this were 100 years ago it would have been a labour that would have probably lasted five days and ended with the death of both you and the baby." Thank you modern medicine. The ob said, " this baby would never have come out vaginally with all the complications." Those two statements helped me see that although I tried everything I could to avoid it- it was impossible, and we are both healthy and happy, and that's all I should really be asking for.

Gavin is incredibly healthy and has no lasting effects from the Meconium or anything. He is a darling baby boy, and now that my milk finally came in we are working with each other really well. The first few days were so hard when I didn't have milk and was trying to avoid formula, but now I feel confident that I have what I need to take care of him.

His father loves him to pieces, and our families are absolutely enamoured by him. I am a little bit in awe of the experience and can't wait to see each and every milestone he hits. I know it won't be easy all the time, but there are rewards each and every day that outweigh the tough spots. I feel incredibly blessed to have him in my life and the experience of his birth has certainly humbled me.

I really wanted to add a picture, but they aren't on this computer so I will have to add one as soon as I can. I hope everyone is doing well and, again, sorry about the lateness of this post. I didn't anticipate how long it would take to feel comfortable managing everything long enough to write this enormous post.