Sunday, September 27, 2009

From happy to sad in a mere 24 hours...

So I actually got a BFP Saturday. I couldn't believe that there was a second line there, but there was, although it was very very faint. I cannot even describe the excitement after waiting through a 44 day long cycle and growing more and more impatient each day. I was awake early to drive 3 hours to spend the weekend with my sister, who's due with her third child in November, and I thought it was perfect timing. My husband was gone Fri-Sun on a business trip, so unfortunately I was all alone to see it happen. I called my sister and explained to her what happened, of course she was overjoyed. I posted the picture of the test on FF and pretty much everyone could see the second line. I was so happy. All throughout the drive, I kept thinking about how wonderful the new baby would be and how I would tell my husband, parents, friends, and coworkers. I thought about how my life had completely changed in one morning and it was an unbelievable feeling.

When I arrived at my sister's house, she looked at the test and saw the second line as well. Even my 4 year old niece could see it. We spent the day at a pumpkin patch and I picked out three pumpkins, one for me, one for DH, and a little tiny one. I planned to put them on the front porch and tell him that the small one represented the baby that I had just found out I was carrying. I was so overwhelmed the entire day and still couldn't believe the positive, so we went to the dollar store and bought more tests. I took one in the afternoon and it was very faint, but there. I went to bed elated.

Well, I woke up this morning to take my temperature and it had dropped dramatically. I just had a gut feeling that something was not right. However, I got up and faithfully took both my FRER and dollar store test. The FRER still had a second line, but it was fainter than the day before. The dollar store test definitely had a second line, although faint. After taking the tests, I noticed some very very light spotting, but not like anything that AF usually does. I began to get worried, but figured that since there was still a second line and AF had not come, I was okay. I went back to lie down in bed for a while.

When I got up again, there wasn't any more blood, but I was still worried. I showed my sister the tests and she definitely saw lines. I told her about the temperature drop and how I was still worried, but she thought everything was fine. I walked back upstairs to get dressed and continued to have hope.

Yet, when I used the restroom, AF definitely came. I couldn't believe my eyes. There I'd been in the same bathroom just 2 hours before looking at positive tests and here I was bleeding. Unbelievable. I immediately went back downstairs and broke down crying with my sister. I just knew it was over.

After doing some research online, it appears to have been a chemical pregnancy. Apparently, extremely common, although most women don't even find out if they don't test before AF comes. I wish I hadn't tested, I wish I hadn't already imagined this baby and all that would change in my life. I wish I hadn't seen the second line, the sadness of having a BFN would be much better than this.

I called my DH later on and told him what happened. Thank goodness I have a husband who is so understanding and supportive. He just told me that we'd just have to keep trying and that it would happen eventually. Of course he's right, but it was still hard to hear. I talked to my mom and dad later also, and my mom just told me that there may have just been some chromosomal defect or something that prevented it from sticking. Again, it was hard to hear.

I know that I only knew I was pregnant for a day, but that day was long enough to imagine all the could change and all the happiness it would bring. It was long enough to envision taking my baby places and watching him or her grow. It was long enough to pick out three pumpkins that I thought would represent our growing family.

I know it was only there for a short time, but I still lost something that I won't ever forget.

7 comments:

  1. Oh sweetie...I am SO sorry. I can't imagine how disappointing and heartbreaking that must be. Big hugs for you.

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  2. Singersaur - I'm so, so sorry. I also had a chemical pregnancy back in May and I had a good 4 days of seeing that faint line on the BFP test and yet never seeing it get any darker. I was still optimistic and was planning how I would tell everyone, etc. I finally went to have blood drawn, and then later than night, I got my period. :( I was devestated. To make matters worse, the nurse called me the next day with my blood results and she said "congratulations! It looks like you are pregnant!" I burst into tears and told her what had happened. She said that it must have been a chemical pregnancy. It's so hard - having seen that faint second line and having been SO excited about the baby...and then to have such a loss. I'm so sorry. I will be sending you many good vibes and hugs.

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  3. I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you. I wish you didn't have to feel this way.

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  4. I am so sorry for your loss. I know how heartbreaking it is to lose a pregnancy. Hugs for you.

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  5. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's amazing how much "knowing" can change you... even if it's just for a short time.

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  6. Hugs. I´m sorry you had to experience this. It really sucks....I´ll be thinking of you.

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