Trying to plan for the future

I think about all of the things I'd love, and want, to do... you know places to visit, things to try, people to see. I find it hard to continue living life like we aren't trying to bring another life into the world. What I mean by that is that in my mind I keep holding back from making any big plans "just in case" I'm pregnant.

However, I know I can't keep sitting on the sidelines as I watch everyone else live their life but it is hard. The hope and desire I have in my heart that surrounds pregnancy and babies overrides any common sense I have about living my life and doing the things I want to do. I will make plans to go to a concert or spend the weekend with friends while secretly hoping I won't be able to drink at either event. I think about summer camping and what that would be like with a belly.

image source

Image Source

Every month I think about why this would be the "perfect" month for us to get a positive test result. I think about how far 12 weeks out is and when we'd be sharing news with family and friends... will it be Thanksgiving? Christmas? Valentine's Day? How about Easter? I do this every. single. month. I can't help it. I like to think about the possibilities and I am glad that I do because I feel like this keeps me going. But, honestly, I am tired of it. I am tired of the let down and the constant cycle we go through of the baby dance, hoping, waiting, and then complete disappointment and sadness... It's completely exhausting.

Image Source

The post I've been trying to write for awhile.

It has been about month since my last post. I swear every day I think about posting and sharing what is going on with us, with you, but I can't seem to get the words in just the right order. I can't seem to find the energy to try and explain where we stand. So, it is now that I'll attempt to do just that and I hope you'll understand if things are out of order or don't make sense.

I went and saw my Ob/Gyn. She is fantastic and I am so blessed to have a wonderful Dr. We sat and chatted about what was going on. I told her about my cycles and how they've changed. I know over time cycles change but what I noticed wasn't something I thought was good... lots of clotting during my period, intense backache and cramps. We decided to go ahead and do some blood work and set up an appointment for an internal ultrasound and an appointment afterward to discuss the results.

Day 3 blood work came back good. My day 21 blood work came back good as well. My ultrasound showed that I had a cyst on the right ovary. I have a history of cysts so this wasn't out of the ordinary. There was fluid around my uterus that the doctor believed to have some blood in it. This made my doctor do some thinking. After some more discussion about what was going on we determined that endometriosis is the culprit.

From what I understand, the only way to get a true diagnosis of endometriosis is to go in by ways of laparoscopy and biopsy the uterus to look at the tissues. This is not something we'll be doing just yet.

My doctor has put me on progesterone suppositories (yuck!). I start using them once I've ovulated and wait until when I would get my period to test. I know when I get my period because I've become pretty regular, and I chart my cycles. I'll go through the progesterone for about 3 or 4 cycles and then we'll go from there. I've heard good stories about this working for women and I am hopeful that it will work for us.

I don't want to think about surgery and medicine that I would have to take after that would make it so we had to wait 6 months before we could continue trying. I don't want to think about any of this. I hate how I am constantly reminded that everyone around me can get pregnant and I can't. It makes me feel... I can't even find words to tell you how it makes me feel. I hate this. I wouldn't wish upon anyone. We've only been going through this for not even a year yet... I can't imagine what it would be like to be years into this process. I don't know how those of you going through the infertility battle do it. I really don't.

My husband has been amazing and I am so thankful to have him by my side. I just wish I didn't have to feel so guilty for not giving him the baby he deserves.

I have been looking at Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) as a natural way to help with some of my "ailments" from body aches & pains, migraines, and infertility. I came across a local practitioner in Cary, NC and have been talking to her about things to help without ever having met her. I plan on starting a Arvigo/Maya Abdominal Therapy Massage session with her in March.

This massage technique is to restore blood-flow to the womb and I've also read that it may help if I have any scarring in my tubes, I know I have in my uterus. AT this point any natural techniques I can use to not spend thousands on exploratory surgery is my goal.

In the mean time she suggested this anti-inflammatory diet for me in order to cleanse my body of toxins and to figure out what my triggers are. She sent it along with a list of food to eat, not to eat, and those that cause inflammation, and decrease inflammation.

I have made a transition to this diet and over the past two weeks I have felt AMAZING!! Since I can't get my hands on any free-range and/or grass-fed meats right now I'm going mostly vegan with an occasional 3oz of reg grilled chicken.... and I have my one mug of coffee a day.. hey.. a girl has to have her coffee!!! I splurged over the weekend going to Carolina Ale House to watch UFC, and I really felt a difference the next few days, so I'm really trying to stick by it.

Bonus: I've lost 5 lbs since I started it 12 days ago :)