Monday, August 3, 2009

Rough day...

Today was a bad day for me. I think about the baby that we lost all the time, but today was harder than some. I thought about how far along I would be now, how it would be developing, etc.

I still sometimes blame myself. Did I do something wrong? I must have! I lifted too many heavy objects, I went up and down the stairs too many times after the doctor told me not to. It must have been because I went camping the weekend it all happened. Now... I know all of this is total bullcrap, but these are the thoughts that rush through my head sometimes. I've had tons of people come forward and tell me about their miscarriages and how I can talk to them, but I have a hard time talking to anybody about it. For some reason I have it in my head that I should be over it by now and that I was only six weeks along so I can't have been that attached to it. Trust me, I know this is totally wrong, but whenever I think about talking to somebody about all of the sadness it has caused me that is what I assume they will think.

I've put on a really good show. I go on with my life and my business. I laugh and have fun and stay busy. But underneath, I'm really struggling.

I'm holding out hope and I know it will get better. This is the first time I've "talked" about any of this. Now that we're TTC again I'm excited and I have started to feel some of my sadness lift at the thought of getting pregnant again. I know that there will be my BFN moments and that those moments will really suck and I will have bad days then too, but I am going to try my hardest and push past those moments to get to my BFP.

Sorry for the depressing post...just needed to get some of it out

3 comments:

  1. *hugs*

    Aren't we lucky that this site is up and running - at least we can speak to each other about our fears or excitement, and half the women who read this blog can emphathise with you and what you're feeling.

    You are not alone, and I will keep watching this blog for your BFP post. :)

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  2. I know exactly how you feel. I still think about my first baby every single day. And I still blame myself. Maybe it was that hot bath I had when I had cramps during the 2WW...maybe it was the furniture moving that I did...maybe I didn't eat or say or think the right thing! I know all of this isn't true, but it still feels that way sometimes.

    Sometimes the hardest part is just getting through the day, keeping a happy and positive face on no matter how I'm feeling inside, no matter how much I just want to scream or cry when I see all of the beautiful pregnant women around me.

    Some days are better than others - some days are harder than others. I've found it helps to talk about it to people who have been through the same thing, and it's also helped me to write about it on this blog. I hope it helps you too. (((hugs)))

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  3. I know how you feel. Even though I'm pregnant again, I still think about our first baby very often...

    Like Bibliosaur, I have found that writing on this blog has helped lots. In fact, I started writing on Pregosaur because of our miscarriage, because I wanted to reach out and let other women know it's okay to hurt as much as you're hurting.

    So, don't worry about the downer post. We're all allowed to have those. And I wish you nothing but the best as your start your TTC journey once more.

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