Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Passing the time

Once you have a miscarriage, all innocense is lost. It´s not possible to approach pregnancy as care-free as the first time. It just isn´t. And try pregnancy after multiple losses....well I´m a basket case, or on the verge of being one.

I´ve spent some part of everyday these past few days running to the bathroom to check that my underwear is indeed still free of blood. It doesn´t help that the progesterone supplements make things a bit wet down there....I´m trying to keep myself busy and distract myself with others things. I´ve been to town, run errands only to suddenly feel like there might be something happening down there and rush home to check, only to breath a sigh of relief that yet another hour has passed with out anything happening.

I feel like I am waiting for the inevitable to happen. A really great approach to pregnancy, I know. I am very thankful to be pregnant, and I am thankful for each day that passes. But that joy like I experienced the first time the stick turned pink seems to elude me. Sweet thoughts of this baby spending its first Christmas at home with us creep in, only to be quickly dashed by that pessimistic/realist in me that says, your chances of success must be less than 50 percent....

I want to scream stop to those nasty thoughts, I really do. I´d much rather start googling the best infant seat to have, find out which hospital offers water births, or research breathing techniques for labor. Heck, I´d love to read a good pregnancy book without the snarky inner voice that says "so normally today your babie´s amniotic sac is the size of a grape, but is yours?"

Today marks the 4w6d point in my pregnancy. I´m filled with apprehension about reaching 5 weeks because three times I have gone to the bathroom at 5w1d and 5w2d only to discover blood. It´s like a critical point is approaching. The make or break of this pregnancy. The very rational part of me says that this time could be different, that my past does not dictate my future, but that evil voice of doubt creeps in....

4 comments:

  1. Want me to mail you more English magazines as a simple-minded distraction?? Or are they already easy to find there? I can pass on the ones my mom recently sent to me (Real Simple, EW, and some Times and Newsweeks) ~ if you send me your address over Facebook, I can mail them tomorrow and they should reach you within the week!

    Your doubts and worries are very normal, I'm sure... I hope the next week will pass quickly. I'm praying for you!

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  2. I've been there... The first few weeks are a torturous time full of anxiety and worry about what may or may not happen. I too made hundreds of trips to the bathroom to check to see if the dreaded bleeding was there. I just recently gave birth to my first child, and I DID have some brown spotting at 5 weeks, but it turned out ok. As ridiculous as I know I sound saying it, try not to stress. It'll just make it worse. And once you get past those first fragile weeks, then you'll start worrying about the next trimester. And then the next. And then, you'll start worrying about the baby that's here. It never ends. :)

    My fingers are crossed for you and your little bean! Take care of yourself.

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  3. Oh hon...huge hugs for you. I've been there, and I know how nerve wracking it is. In fact, the last week is the first time this *entire pregnancy* that I've started to feel confident, and that's only because at this point even if I went into labor the boys would be OK. But until now, every day has been a goal scored because it's one more day that we've held on.

    As you said, miscarrying takes your innocence away - you can never, ever feel so carefree and confident as you did the first time, because you will never again be someone who hasn't lost a child.

    Try to have faith in your body, and remember - today you are pregnant and you love your baby!

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  4. I can only imagine how you are feeling...I suffered a miscarriage last summer and have been trying ever since...and once it happens I am sure that I will be terrified. It just isn't fair that the innocence of pregnancy is taken away :(

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