Sunday, February 21, 2010

A little reflection & a lot of cramps

I've got the AF blues. Yep, she struck again, and this time has been a doozy! I have cramps like you wouldn't believe & I'm so thankful for extra strength Tylenol. Usually they only last a day, so hopefully I'll be feeling more like myself come tomorrow. The cramps seem much worse this month than normal. I'm not sure if it's because I can usually take a "sick day" and lounge around till they pass, but today I was at church all morning....or if it's one of the effects of being on clomid for the last 3 months that has messed with me.

I'm ready to be done with this medication, that's for sure. My cycles have evened out a bit since the first couple of crazy ones when I started clomid. The meds seem to be hindering me more than helping. My CM is not normal at all, so FF has a hard time registering that I've ovulated. I've never had that problem before I started the meds. I decided awhile ago that clomid was as far as I would go with any medical help in ttc. From now on, I just want to be my normal self, pregnancy or no pregnancy.

I've been going through some different emotions lately when it comes to ttc. I've been reflecting on my life this past week for a couple of reasons. First of all, it's been almost 2 years since my husband returned from Afghanistan. Back then I thought for sure by now we'd have another child...boy was I wrong. We've had 23 months of this roller coaster, and as I'm sure you realize, it doesn't get easier the longer you try. The other aspect of life that I've been reflecting on is that I'm getting ready to turn 30 next month. Thinking back to when my daughter was an infant & toddler, I thought for sure I'd have at least one more child by the time I reached 30. My thoughts about what size our family would be have shifted dramatically since I was 25 years old. It makes me wonder where I'll be at 35, and whether it's worth it to keep up with ttc or if we should focus on life as a family of 3 for the long term. I just don't know...

To top it all off, I'm surrounded by pregnant ladies, babies, and baby stuff regularly...so it's difficult to get this off my mind. It's hard to just not think about it, when that's the stage of life that I'm in. I don't work outside the home, so I don't have anything to distract me from home and family life. Not that I want anything to distract me from my primary job, but thinking of having more children seems to come along with the territory.

I'm hoping & praying for consistent peace in this arena of my life soon. One thing I do know is that it's possible. Lord have mercy on me.

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