Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Rock bottom

Warning: this post contains some spoilers about The Office's season finale - if you haven't watched it yet, don't read!

Last week, we sat down to watch the season final of The Office. I was feeling a bit low on that particular day, discouraged about TTC and just looking forward to laughing a bit. And then IT happened. Jim had taken Pam to the hospital to get a sprained ankle checked out, and then there is a period of silence where you can see them through a window but not hear what's being said. Jim and Pam starts beaming while the doctor talks, then Jim briefly panics, and then a lot more beaming and some happy tears, like so:
And although it's not confirmed - nothing like a cliffhanger to reel you into the next season, eh? - it's pretty obvious that Pam is pregnant.

My first reaction was a flash of happiness (they're so freaking cute together, I don't care if they're just TV actors), followed by sadness (does everyone have to be pregnant?) followed by...jealousy.

Yes. Jealousy. I was - OK fine, I am - jealous of a fictional character in a TV sitcom. I think this is quite possibly as low as I can go in terms of irrational feelings about pregnancy. I am jealous of a made up person in a comedy show. And I totally don't blame you if you're doing this right now:

I know I'm being totally irrational right now. Even I'm reading this and going, "WTF Bibliosaur? Have you completely lost your grip on reality?"

Trying to conceive is always an emotional experience - all the more so if you've encountered difficulties such as infertility or a miscarriage. Sometimes it feels like every single person on the planet (including TV characters) is either knocked up or already has a baby, and you're just this loser that can't seem to make or keep a baby of your own.

There's so much frustration - why is it SO easy for so many people? How does this happen by accident? Why isn't it happening for me? I know that realistically, we haven't been trying that long - we're under the six month mark - but it's still difficult to deal with sometimes. It didn't much help that last week I also accidentally stumbled across a reminder of how far along I'd be now (into the second trimester!) if I hadn't miscarried. That didn't feel particularly great.

People have commented on several of my previous posts (like this one) at what a great attitude I have about events that seem like failures - BFNs, whackadoo things on my chart, etc. And the truth is...I do have a positive outlook. I have to. Because honestly, if I didn't look for the silver lining, I'd be a very depressed TTCer, and I don't know how I would cope with that. But there are still times when I feel discouraged and upset, times when a TV show can make me cry for all the wrong reasons. And that's OK too - as long as I start looking for that silver lining again right away.

Last week, The Office made me cry. Today, I'm excited because I get to start using my OPKs again tomorrow (I'm determined to catch that surge this time), and y'all know how much fun it is to pee on a stick!

Silver lining = found...again.

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